


15 First Dates

by Werevampiwolf



Category: Iron Man - All Media Types, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types, The Incredible Hulk - All Media Types
Genre: AU minor characters don't have powers, And Marlo, Bruce Dates, Bruce gets to be happy, Cho is a fanboy, Coulson Lives, Erik takes his pants off, Everyone plays matchmaker, F/M, French-style Korean Bakery, JARVIS plays matchmaker, Lots of references to the comics, M/M, Marlo wants to know about Hulk's dick, Pepper plays matchmaker, Snarky Jarvis, Squirrel Girl is crazy, T for Tony, The Avengers are shippers, Tony agrees with Marlo, Tony obsesses over Bruce, but don't need to know comic canon, lots of dialoge, most the references are just details, tony plays matchmaker
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-13
Updated: 2014-10-13
Packaged: 2018-02-20 23:19:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,695
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2446769
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Werevampiwolf/pseuds/Werevampiwolf
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Prompt:<br/>Tony wants to get Bruce back into dating, so he sets him up on dates with all these people he knows. Some of them need to be just awful. Bruce should leave in the middle of one because it’s so bad. One of them should go to the bathroom and not come back. Some of them should be really nice, sweet people, but there’s just no spark. Maybe one of them doesn’t speak any English. Just the most ridiculous dates. And as bad as some of them are, maybe Bruce really likes dating. If it goes well he makes a new friend, if it’s awful he has a funny story to tell Tony. All the while, Tony is falling in love with Bruce, but can’t figure out what to do about it. Let’s make it sweet and gentle and let’s have Bruce be happy for once :) - seekingsquake</p><p>OR: TLDR: Tony gets Bruce to start dating, but realizes he's in love with Bruce, and doesn't know what to do.</p><p>Not beta'd, because it's a gift to my (unofficial) beta reader.</p><p>Happy Canadian Thanksgiving! (a day early)</p>
            </blockquote>





	15 First Dates

**Author's Note:**

  * For [seekingsquake](https://archiveofourown.org/users/seekingsquake/gifts).



“Hey, Big Guy, when’s the last time you got laid?” Tony asked, one day in the lab. He waited, but got no answer. “That long, huh? Really, we need to get you a date.”  
“That’s nice, Tony.” Tony realized that Bruce was too absorbed in his current project to pay attention, and decided to take advantage of the situation. “So, JARVIS and I are gonna set you up some dates. Sound good to you?”  
“Sure, Tony.”  
“Okay, JARVIS, look through my contacts and bring up everyone that’s available and interested in men.”  
“Am I to include your one night stands as well, Sir?” Not for the first time, Tony wonders how the AI could sound both disapproving and amused. He made a mental note to remove JARVIS’s “bitchiness” coding, something he knew would never happen.  
“Why not, go for it. Bruce needs all the dates he can get.”  
“I’m sorry, what?” Tony finally has Bruce’s attention.  
“You already agreed to it.”  
“Tony, I am not going on a date with anyone. You know how things were with Betty.”  
“So, she decided she couldn’t take the stress of the Other Guy anymore and moved on, big deal. But you were dating before; these people will know walking into it.”  
“That’s reassuring.” Tony loved Bruce’s sarcasm, but not when he’s trying to something nice for Bruce. Tony decided to get back to the task of finding Bruce a date; he wanted Bruce to know he was not getting out of this.  
“Male or female?”  
“Don’t care, but not going on any dates.”  
“Protest all you want, you need to interact with normal people, and not just the team. Type? Ooh, I bet you love nerdy chicks.”  
The next day, a note card showed up under Bruce’s door with the time and place of his date, and a promise of a later card with more information.

(LAME PAGE BREAK IS LAME)

With JARVIS’s help, Tony had set a date up for Bruce with Doctor Gwen Wright, a prominent biochemist. She had recently received a grant for her work in the role of neurotransmitters in the dream process. He figured Bruce could use some good dreams…  
“Sir, I believe Doctor Banner has just arrived home.” Tony left the lab and headed to the waited outside of Bruce’s room.  
“How could you do that to me, Tony?” Bruce stepped out of the elevator.  
“You didn’t like Gwen? Damn, I thought she would be your type.”  
“You set me up with a Betty-lite.”  
“Well, what happened?”  
“We talked science a bit, she didn’t bring up the Other Guy. But Tony, I couldn’t take it, she reminded me too much of Betty. She was too sweet for me to walk out on, but as soon as the date was over, I almost ran. I couldn’t take it. Please don’t make me do that again.”  
“Big Guy, you have to. You need to spend time with normal people, not just the super-secret boyband. How about a VS Angel?” Despite Tony’s dismissal, he was really sorry. He should have known better than that.

(LAME PAGE BREAK IS LAME)

*music note* Doctor Banner was pelted by gamma rays- *music note*

Tony heard the ringtone he set for Bruce. Bruce was supposed to be on a date right now with Chika Ihejirka, a Victoria’s Secret Angel. Tony picked up the phone.  
“Tony, can you send Happy with the car early? Like, now?”  
“Sure thing, Big Guy, how’s the date?” As he spoke, Tony sent Happy the message.  
“Horrible. I thought you told her about the Other Guy.”  
“I swear I did, maybe she didn’t believe me. What happened?”  
“She walked out. Tony, you sent us to a damned five-star restaurant-”  
“Hey, it’s her style!”  
“Well, it’s not mine. I was really unconformable, and she asked why my eyes turned green. I explained, and hers got really big, and she excused herself to go to the restroom. I knew she wasn’t coming back, but I waited until I saw her walk out of the restaurant to call.”  
Tony felt awful. Bruce didn’t deserve this.  
“Okay, I have one more date lined up for you. If he doesn’t make you enjoy dating, I’ll never bug you about it again.”  
“Fine, Tony, you have one more chance.”

(LAME PAGE BREAK IS LAME)

For his last chance, Tony had decided to go with a different tactic. Robert Reynolds was once, like Tony, a wealthy business owner that had a life changing experience. In Bob’s case, it was a diagnosis with severe paranoid schizophrenia. He had turned to drugs and alcohol to cope, but after a stint in rehab, extensive medications, and therapy, he decided to sell his business and turn to campaigning on the behalf of the mentally ill. Later than planned, Bruce strolled into the room.  
“Alright, you convinced me.”  
“Yes! Did you get Bob’s number?”  
“No, but I made a new friend.” Tony’s eyes told Bruce to continue. “Bob was nice. We talked about politics, specifically about the legal and societal treatment of the mentally ill.” Tony was appalled.  
“Bruce! You don’t talk politics on a first date!” Jesus, no wonder he didn’t have many dates before Betty.  
“It was his idea. I agree with him that the United States does not have an effective mental health care system, and he proposed some interesting solutions. I enjoyed spending time with him at dinner, and we caught a movie after, but we decided to just be friends.” For some reason, Tony felt… relieved… that Bruce wasn’t going serious with Bob Reynolds, but he had no idea why.  
“Can I set you up another date?”

(LAME PAGE BREAK IS LAME)

Since Bruce had gotten along so well with Bob, Tony thought maybe another man, one with more in common with Bruce, would be the stable romantic interest Bruce needed. Erik Selvig had come to New York, with much poking and prodding from Thor and his friends. He’d been wary after the Battle of Manhattan, and Tony understood why. Bruce had been familiar with Selvig’s work, so Tony figured Bruce might enjoy his company. Bruce burst into the room, and Tony wondered why JARVIS didn’t notify him. Tony probably pissed him off and was getting the silent treatment or something.  
“You set me up with Erik Selvig?!”  
“Yeah, you said you were familiar with his work.”  
“We were friends in college, Tony. He was assisting my undergrad physics professor.” Oh. “We talked physics, and Thor. It was surprisingly enjoyable, until he took his pants off. In the middle of a crowded coffee shop. You’re not supposed to get naked on first dates, and certainly not in public.”  
“Yeah, Erik never really recovered from the whole Loki fiasco.” Tony notices Bruce staring at him incredulously. “What? Bob’s schizophrenic, and you got along just fine.” Bruce is still staring.  
“Okay, I’ll set you up a new date. How about a girl this time?”

(LAME PAGE BREAK IS LAME)

Back in the day, Marlo Chandler had been one of the tallest Olympic gymnasts in history. Once she retired, she became a gymnastics coach and swim teacher. She’d been an old flame of Tony’s, once she was no longer jailbait, because, with her athletic skills, she made one hell of a bedmate. She was actually one of the few flames that Tony had stayed in contact with. Marlo was fiery and fearless, and Tony knew the Hulk would be no object to her; hell, she’d probably see him as a bonus. Tony had the video feed for the camera outside of Bruce’s room up, and saw his friend try sneak in unnoticed. He must have told JARVIS not to notify Tony of his arrival. Tony headed to the elevator and stepped up on Bruce’s floor. With all his usual courtesy, Tony had JARVIS unlock the door and entered without asking permission.  
“So, Big Guy, how was Marlo?” Bruce looked up in surprise, and made a face, but didn’t mention Tony’s blatant disregard for privacy.  
“Ugh, don’t call me that for a while. She kept asking me about the Other Guy’s penis...” That sounded like Marlo.  
“And, what did you say?”  
“Nothing...”  
“Seriously? You should have said it was the biggest dong she’d see in her life! It’s like a third leg or something!” Bruce made a strangled noise and pinched the bridge of his nose, conveniently obscuring his face.  
“You too? God. Do you think you could design stretchy pants?”  
“Nah, man, I like seeing you freeball, dick flapping in the wind- Okay, okay, I will, just stop staring at me like you’re going to kill me. And I’ll set you up another date.”  
After he left, Tony decided he needed to see the date for himself. Good thing he owned the restaurant and had high-def security cameras pointed at the their table.  
“JARVIS, play Bruce’s date with Marlo for me.”  
“Sir, I don’t think Dr. Banner would appreciate-”  
“Override, JARVIS, I have to see this.” The video plays.

Bruce is sitting at a table at Papa Tony’s, and Marlo walks up.  
“Hi, I’m Marlo Chandler. Are you Bruce Banner?” Bruce says yes, and she sits down. After a few minutes of small talk, the fun begins.  
“Sorry, but I have to ask, how big is the Hulk’s dick?” Bruce choked on the water he’d been sipping, then changed the subject. A little while later, Marlo still wants to know.  
“Is it like, proportionate, and green? ‘Cause that’d be really cool.” Bruce was hiding his face in his hands, neck bright pink. “It’s gotta be, what, at least a couple of feet? I could take it, I’m a gymnast.” Bruce, who had taken another drink of water as an excuse not to answer, nearly choked again and turned redder than Tony had thought possible.  
“Oh, I guess I’m making you uncomfortable. How’s life on the Avengers?” The rest of the date was pretty boring, except that Bruce stayed red the entire time.

(LAME PAGE BREAK IS LAME)

 

Major Carol Danvers, callsign “Warbird,” was a highly acclaimed Air Force pilot, that had had a long term relationship with Rhodey. She was beautiful and badass, and took shit from no one (not unlike Natasha...). Tony had decided to send them to the Intrepid Sea, Air & Space Museum, since they both would find something of interest there. Tony knows, he’s not known for being considerate, but it’s Bruce. He always tries to be considerate of Bruce.  
“How’d you like Carol and the museum, Big Guy?”  
“I liked the exhibits. They have a space shuttle.”  
“What about Carol?” Bruce was awkwardly silent. “What’s wrong? You weren’t this quiet when your date turned into an exhibitionist.”  
“She works for Ross, Tony.”  
“I used to, too.”  
“But she still does. She flew one of the planes that was shooting at the Other Guy. She’s not really a fan of him either… I’m not actually sure why she was there. I kept expecting the Army to show up.”  
“Shit, man, that sucks. Are you sure you still want to keep dating? You don’t have to if you don’t want to...”  
“No, I like dating. Set me up another, please. No more military.”

(LAME PAGE BREAK IS LAME)

Tony was working in the lab, waiting for Bruce to get home from his date, when “Avengers Assemble!” came through on the ID cards. The team, sans Bruce, gathered to watch the footage SHIELD was sending in. The Hulk was tearing up trees in Central Park and staking them into the ground, forming a cage around an unconscious woman that looked like Monica Rappaccini, the hot toxicologist Tony had set Bruce up with. The team rushed out to calm their teammate.  
“That bad, huh?” Tony asks as the Hulk shrinks down into Tony’s favorite physicist. “Hey, I thought you didn’t get naked on first dates,” Tony teases.  
“I thought SHIELD was doing background checks on my dates. Apparently not. This one was a deep-cover agent of AIM. She said she was going to steal my research and use it to win the Nobel Prize, and then she stuck me with a needle full of poison that brought the Other Guy out.”  
“They must have missed one. She’s still knocked out, though. I’ll make sure the bitch get’s arrested. She’s right, though. You should have a Nobel Prize by now. I’ll work on that.” Tony was actually furious. Somehow, Bruce wasn’t freaked out like he normally is after a Hulk-Out, but Tony know he could have just lost his best friend, either to the toxin, or because Bruce might run. Tony decided he’d personally run all background checks in the future. 

(LAME PAGE BREAK IS LAME)

Janet Van Dyne was a world famous fashion designer, whose designs have been featured alongside Armani, Gucci, and Ralph Lauren, and is a welcome guest at any party, including most of Tony’s. Despite her fame, she’d managed to avoid the fate of so many stuck up socialites, and is currently working on a line for mutants with physical mutations, an underserved demographic. Recently, she’d gone through a messy divorce with her longtime husband, Henry Pym, a noted biochemist. Bruce might enjoy her spunky personality and impartial nature. Jan didn’t give a damn about your past, as long as you were a good person now. She’d actually met Hulk once, after an Avengers battle, when she came to help the injured, and they’d gotten along quite well. Bruce needed someone to love him no matter what, but didn’t put up with his “worthless” crap and could pull him up when he was low. He deserved the world, he’d certainly suffered enough. Tony is knocked from his thoughts as Bruce entered the lab.  
“Really, Tony, Hank’s wife?”  
“Ex-wife.”  
“Okay. But why?”  
“She was pretty lonely, and you’re single and a scientist. She likes nerds. How was she?”  
“She was friendly, but she definitely is lonely. I think she was trying to drown herself in margaritas. Then she flashed me. But while she was sober, we got along well. I agreed to go to her next fashion show as a friend, and I even came up with some ideas for new fabrics for her designs. But we’re just going to be friends. Besides, I don’t know how Jennifer would react to me dating her friend, and Hank and I don’t get along very well already.”  
“Well, she posted on all her social media that she’s ‘wso hkappy to whave snpet tcime wigth a mavn taht duoesn't hit dme cocughcoughhankcoaughcoumgh’. I speak drunk as a second language, maybe first, and I’m not even sure what most of her posts from tonight mean. Now, tell me about the ideas for cloths.” Bruce got that light in his eyes he only has when talking about science, and Tony adores it.

(LAME PAGE BREAK IS LAME)

Of all the warriors of Asgard, none are held in as high regard as the Valkyrie, and their leader, Brunnhilde. She had the face of an angel and the body of a classical Greek sculpture, with legs that went on for miles, skin like marble, and breasts the size of melons. She could also take Thor in a fight and drink an elephant under the table; she was truly stunning. Brunnhilde had come to visit Thor at the Tower, and had agreed to go out on a date with Bruce. Bruce, who was just as magnificent, in his own way. He had strong hands, broad shoulders, salt and pepper hair like springs, brown eyes like-  
“Why did you send me on a date with an Asgardian?” Bruce appeared in the doorway.  
“Brunnhilde is Thor’s friend; he wanted to be helpful, so I said ‘sure, why not, the Big Guy could use all the help he can get’.”  
“Well, if I didn’t know better, I’d think she was Thor’s twin. She wasn't really interested in me, but she was nice enough. She said she’d heard many tales of my ‘feats of strength’ and wanted to spar with me.”  
“What’d you say?”  
“I said maybe, if she’s in town next time the team and the Other Guy go out of town for practice. She told me lots of stories of battles, and some stuff I could use to blackmail Thor.”  
“What’d she tell you?! I have to hear this.”  
Tony barely caught a word of what Bruce was saying. He was distracted by how Bruce’s hair coiled and how his lips moved as he spoke. He’s glad Bruce wasn't hooking up with the gorgeous blonde.

(LAME PAGE BREAK IS LAME)

Tony had been called a manwhore more times than he could count, but even he seemed like a prude compared to Eros. The man had slept with more women than Charlie Sheen, and more men than Marilyn Monroe. No one’s sure how he became famous, or even what his real name is, but he could charm his way into anyone’s pants. Even being brought on trial for sexual assault couldn't slow him down, and the people loved him. If his reputation is true (and Tony knows it is), Bruce was in for a wild night. Good thing, too. The man really could use a good fucking. Tony would be glad do it, but he doubted Bruce would be interested. Speaking of Bruce, the good doctor walked into the lab, much earlier than expected.  
“What happened with Eros?”  
“Well, we were at a tavern, which I hated, and, at first, he was sweet, even too sweet. He kissed my hand, which was weird. He listened to me talk, but he was giving me a strange, almost hungry, look, and I was getting creepy vibes. He offered to get me a refill, but while he was there, I watched him start making out with one of the women at the bar. When he got back, I asked him about it and he said it never happened. It kept getting weirder from there.” Tony zoned out as Bruce spoke. He was watching Bruce’s hands as they twisted and twined, like they always did when Bruce was uncomfortable. It was mesmerizing… Tony suddenly snapped to awareness.  
“What do you mean, you walked out?”  
“Tony, Eros was a textbook example of emotional manipulation. I am not getting into relationship that involves any kind of abuse.”

(LAME PAGE BREAK IS LAME)

Squirrel Girl is a joke in the superhero community. She was a nice kid, but kind of nuts, pun intended. She claims to have defeated Doctor Doom, MODOK, the Mandarin (not Trevor, another one), Wolverine, FIn Fang Foom, and even a fucking planet. Tony personally thought she was lying out her, um, tail, or delusional. She (supposedly) has the power of talking to squirrels, for Pete’s sake, and she has several on her at all times. Tony’s not even sure she actually speaks squirrel, she’s probably just hallucinating that the squirrels talk. It’s more likely. He had set her up with Bruce because Tony was an unrepentant bastard with a sense of humor. Right on time, everyone’s favorite part time ragemonster got home.  
“Why did you set me up with ‘Squirrel Girl?’ And how do you even know a babysitter obsessed with squirrels?”  
“She stalked me for a while, wanted to be my sidekick. I told her, I’m Iron Man, I don’t do squirrels. And I doubt she actually beat Doctor Doom.”  
“But why did you set me up with her?”  
“Her name is Doreen Green. I had to do it.”  
“I hate you. She brought squirrels with her and kept talking to them.”  
“Yeah, she did that to me too.”  
“She had a fake tail.”  
“Nah, it’s a real tail; she’s a mutant.”  
“She’s also 17. I really don’t want to be put on a sex offender list; I’m already monitored by enough agencies.”

(LAME PAGE BREAK IS LAME)

According to a popular game show, Amadeus Cho was the smartest kid on earth. Back in the day, Tony probably could have kicked Cho’s intellectual ass for the title, but Tony didn’t fit the age requirements anymore. While Stark Industries makes a point of tracking the progress of the world’s best and brightest, that’s not why Tony knows the kid. Years ago, when the boy was just reaching the age that most kids start school, Cho had already sent Stark Industries several angry emails insisting that the Hulk was no monster, he was a hero, and SI needed to stop manufacturing Hulkbusters. The Hulk was still classified at the time, and the Hulkbusters are top secret to this day. Tony had personally looked into how the boy could possibly know this, and was shocked the little fucker hacked him. He didn’t even believe the kid was real until they met in person. He owed the kid a favor and decided to set him up a “date” with Bruce. He knew Bruce wouldn’t be very happy about it, he couldn’t understand why the Hulk had fans in the first place. And, speak of the devil, here comes Bruce.  
“Tony, why on earth did you set me up with a fifteen year-old? I told you, I don’t want to be registered as a sex-offender!”  
“He’s thirteen.”  
“Okay, why on earth did you set me up with a thirteen year-old? I really don’t want to be registered as a sex-offender.” Tony shrugs.  
“Amadeus Cho is your biggest fan, he wanted to meet you. And he’s one of the smartest people on Earth. It wasn’t really a romantic date, just a friend-date. Did you like the pizza? Tell me how it went.”  
As Bruce detailed the awkwardness of being on a date with a child, and how people were giving them weird looks as the boy fanboyed, Tony felt a little jealous. He wanted to attract attention fawning over Bruce in public.

(LAME PAGE BREAK IS LAME)

If someone had picked up a magazine in the mid aughts and flipped it open, they’d likely find Mika the Swedish Underwear Model in it. Everyone from People to Ok! to Weekly to Van Dyne had him in their “Sexiest Men” lists. Despite stereotypes, Mika liked “complicated.” He’d dumped She-Hulk for being uninteresting, for Christ’s sake. Tony had personally screwed him in a storage room back in ‘06 before a fashion show. He knew that Bruce might not like Mika, but Tony was getting desperate. He knows (and had banged) more people than he could count, but the number of those people that were willing to look past the Hulk and go on a date with Bruce was small. Poor Bruce. He was probably the kindest man Tony had ever known, with more patience than a saint and endless compassion. Bruce had lived through hell, many times over, and he hadn’t let it make him cruel; if anything, it had only made him kinder. He didn’t deserve to be feared like he was. The Hulk might have a great capacity to destroy, but he was no monster. He was a marvel of science, absolutely breathtaking. The pair was an enigma, two minds in one body, absolutely intertwined. There was no telling where one ended and the other began, two parts of a whole. Tony could not even begin to describe how amazing this man is. But Bruce doesn’t even see it. He doesn’t know how beautiful he is. Tony suddenly realizes that he’d been so engrossed in thought that Bruce had walked into the lab and gotten to work without Tony even noticing.  
“So, was People right? Is he one of the Ten Sexiest Men Alive? I mean, they left me off the list, so they’ve been wrong before.”  
“He was sexy...”  
“Did you like him?”  
“He talked about himself constantly, kept telling me how ‘street’ he is. I was ignoring him, until he mentioned that the Other Guy wouldn’t bother him because he used to ‘bang a green chick’ who tossed him around like a ragdoll. I asked if her knew her name, and he said it was Jen, She-Hulk. Tony, he used to sleep with my cousin. That’s really awkward...”  
“I’d sleep with a guy that hot, even if he slept with my cousin.”  
“Of course you would, Tony. But I won’t. She’s practically my sister. And he’s like half my age anyway.”  
Tony already knew that. Tony also knew he had it bad for Bruce, but had no idea what to do about it. The last time he tried to reveal something this life-changing, it was when he was dying, and he just made Pepper a burnt omelette and chickened out telling her anyway. She only found out because Natasha told her. Except there’d be no one to tell Bruce for him this time.

(LAME PAGE BREAK IS LAME)

Tony was waiting for Bruce to get home from his date with Patsy Walker, a renowned model. He wondered if he should have warned Bruce she had a side job as a dominatrix called Hellcat. Like Janet, she had just ended a relationship. While he waited, he pondered what to do about the quandary that was Bruce Banner. He was beautiful and brilliant, all around amazing. Tony knew he was so screwed. Suddenly, he heard the door to the lab slide open and Bruce walked in.  
“Another model, Tony? Are half the people you know models?”  
“Yes, and yes. How was Patsy? And what kind of name is ‘Patsy’ for a model? Or anyone that’s not an old lady?”  
“She surprised me. I can see why you liked her. I’ve never actually met a geeky model before. Did you know she does cosplay?”  
“No, I didn’t. How’d it go?”  
“It was really good, until she got sloshed. She kept saying that she wasn’t drunk, because I wasn’t. I hadn’t been drinking… She started crying and muttering about how her last boyfriend used to tell her ‘size doesn’t matter.’”  
“So, she went all ‘Marlo’ on you?”  
“At least Patsy had the excuse of being plastered. The she started acting like a cat and was rubbing herself on me.”  
“She wanted her pussy licked?” Tony grins. Bruce just glares.  
“No. She wanted me to scratch behind her ears.”  
“That’s boring. I take it you don’t want a second date?”

(LAME PAGE BREAK IS LAME)

Williams Innovations was a tech and munitions company founded by Samford Williams in the twentieth century. When Samford died, his young son, Simon, took over the family business. However, a certain juggernaut, one Stark Industries, overtook it and WI was not expected to recover. However, since Tony’s “soiree” in Afghanistan, Williams Innovations had been turned around and was now thriving. Simon had hit the headlines awhile back by coming out as gay, the only openly LGBT CEO of a US munitions company. He was by far the oldest human Tony had set Bruce up with, but he was the last person on his list, mostly because Tony was sure that Williams was just looking for a little excitement, like one could get by dating a superhero, especially one as amazing as the Hulk. Williams would go nuts if he knew he was on a date with the object of Tony’s desires. Said object had just gotten home.  
“So, you set me up with the CEO of one of Stark Industries' competitors?”  
“I was running out of people to set you up with. Simon’s not a bad guy, even if his tech sucks. At least it’s nowhere near Hammer’s level of crap. How’d it go?”  
“He talked about his business the whole time, how he took over from his dad and built it up from the ground. I never got a chance to talk after our introductions. I think he wanted me to come work for him, but it was so buried in corporate crap that I’m not even sure.”  
“You can’t leave! You’re my science bro!”  
“I’m not leaving, Tony. You’ve been kinder to me than anyone else I’ve known in my entire life, except for Betty. You’ve given me more than I can ever repay you for, and I won’t thanklessly ditch you for a rival company.” Tony was touched.  
“Well, as generous as I’ve been, I don’t have any more dates for you. You’re gonna have to find them on our own, Big Guy.”

(LAME PAGE BREAK IS LAME)

Tony is working in his lab when Pepper walks in and throws him an envelope.  
“I have a surprise for you. Be at 6 W 32nd St. at 9 AM, in person. Wear casual clothes, and bring that. Don’t open it until I tell you to.” Pepper says, in that tone that screams that Tony doesn’t have a choice. WIth that, she walked out.  
What the hell? Tony trusted Pepper to have his best interests at heart and not to send him somewhere dangerous, but it had better not be a damn board meeting. She had had a mischievous twinkle in her eye. Something in his gut said he should do what she says.  
When Tony arrived, he thought Pepper must have given him the wrong address. This looked like a French bakery in the middle of Koreatown, called Paris Baguette. As soon as he entered, an employee greeted him and lead him to a reserved table. This didn’t look like the kind of place to take reservations. After about fifteen minutes, Bruce walked in.  
“Oh, hey Tony, what are you doing here?” Bruce sat down across the table.  
“Pepper sent me. She said there was something waiting for me, but I had to come in person. What are you doing here?”  
“I always come here. They have the best green tea flavored cakes. Speaking of Pepper, she handed me an envelope earlier and said not to open until her signal. Do you happen to know what she means?”  
Suddenly, the employee that had greeted Tony at the door brought out a note that read: 

“Open your envelopes - Pepper”

Tony really wanted to know what Pep was up to. There was a slip of paper inside that read:

Gender: Male  
Eyes: Brown  
Hair: Brown  
Height: 5’9”  
Occupation: Physicist

Tony glanced around in confusion, what the hell is that supposed to mean? He looked at Bruce to see if he had any ideas. But Bruce was staring in surprise at the contents of his envelope.  
“This is the same kind of card you were giving me about my blind dates.” That didn’t clear things up for Tony.  
“I never gave you cards.”  
“Then who was it?”  
“No idea. Who’s your date with?” Bruce held the card out to Tony.

Gender: Male  
Eyes: Brown  
Hair: Brown  
Height: 5’9”  
Occupation: Engineer

“I think it’s you, Tony. I think Pepper set us up on a date.”  
The employee brought out an entire blueberry cake, iced with the message “Congratulations!”, and a scroll, tied with a bow. Tony decided that this had to be one of the strangest things he’d ever experienced as the pair unrolled the paper.

“Do try to keep this one longer than a single night, Sir - JARVIS”  
“Even JARVIS is tired of watching you moon over each other. Just kiss already and stop staring at each other like idiots - Natasha “  
“I may be from a different time, but I can still tell when people are in love - Steve”  
“I am most excited for the two of you to begin your courtship - Thor”  
“What Tasha said, just fuck already. And Phil owes me twenty bucks, he said you’d figure it out on your own - Clint”  
“You dumbasses are pretty damn stupid for being motherfucking geniuses. I have one eye, and I could see it, for fuck’s sake - Fury”  
“Stark, hurt him and I’ll tase you - Darcy”  
“Fine, Clint. I’d hoped these two might be smart enough to see what’s right in front of them - Phil”  
“Tony, you know I’ll always help you with what you need, and I’m sorry to interfere, but you need this - Pepper”

The last one was the kicker, though.

“Bruce, I am so happy you’ve found your soulmate. You’ll always be family to me. Stark, break his heart, and Darcy’s taser will just be the start of it - Betty Ross”

Bruce looked like he might cry.  
“They’re all crazy. Yeah, I have feelings for you, feelings I haven’t felt since Betty. But I know you don’t feel the same, can’t feel the same, shouldn’t feel the same. I know I’m not attractive, not in your social circle. I know I’m unstable and dangerous, and can’t be trusted. I can’t even trust myself. But there is something I can trust: the fact that I love you.” Bruce wouldn’t meet Tony’s eyes.  
“Bruce, you are the most amazing person I’ve met in my life. You are perfect, and one of the most beautiful people I’ve ever known. I love the way your clothes never quite fit right, I love the way you smile, and I love the way you don’t put up with my shit. I love the way you fidget, I love the way you pinch the bridge of your nose, and I love the way your hair never looks brushed. I love the way your eyes light up when we science, I love the way you blush, and I love the way you get angry. I love the way you help kids, I love the way you look so fragile after a battle, and I would love to bend you over the table right now. I love you, all of you, and I always will.” As he spoke, Tony caught Bruce’s chin and stared into his eyes. As he finished, Tony pulled Bruce in for a kiss.

In Avengers Tower:

“Thank god. I practically had to drag them by the ears.” Despite her words, Pepper looked so proud of her former boss. “He probably just said ‘love’ more than he has in the rest of his life combined.”  
“Well, Sir is not known for being heartfelt.”  
Behind Pepper, gathered around a holographic screen, sat the rest of the Avengers. Thor was grinning broadly, Steve not-so-covertly wiped away a tear, Coulson passed Clint his money, and even Natasha was smiling.  
“Now we just have to head off the tabloids.”

**Author's Note:**

> Happy Canadian Thanksgiving! (a day early)  
> Hope you liked it, Seekingsquake! Hope you're feeling better, too.
> 
> Originally, I had cards for every date at the beginning of the segment, but, since Tony didn’t know about it, it wouldn’t make sense to have it in there.
> 
> I only made up the first two, the rest are canon characters, most of whom are friends with Bruce or Hulk, though I took some liberties. (Info is from the comics, unless otherwise stated.) Most of the information about Bruce’s dates (the characters) are canon, but if you can’t tell what’s canon and what’s not and want to know, feel free to ask.
> 
> The dates get progressively crappier/crazier/weirder/mismatched (starting when he starts doing the background checks) because Tony is (subconsciously?) trying to avoid Bruce getting serious with someone besides Tony.
> 
> Robert Reynolds is the Sentry, he’s good friends with the Hulk and he’s supposed to be the most powerful man in the universe (Hulk is third, but he’s the #1 strongest)
> 
> Erik Selvig, from the Thor movies.
> 
> Sorry, Marlo. (I actually like Marlo) But, I needed someone to be obsessed with Hulk’s dick, and two of the things Marlo is known for is dating (and sleeping with) Gray Hulk, and dating, sleeping with, and marrying A-Bomb, who is also a Hulk.
> 
> Carol Danvers is Ms. Marvel. In the Earth’s Mightiest Heroes show, she didn’t get along with Hulk very well. 
> 
> Monica Rappaccini is one of the Scientist Supremes of AIM. In the comics, she really did date Bruce to take his research and did use it to win a Nobel Prize. Her daughter is Carmilla Black, who is suspected of being Bruce’s child. And in the comics, Bruce mentions losing the Nobel Prize twenty-one times. 
> 
> Janet Van Dyne is Wasp, and has a long history with Ant Man. In Earth’s Mightiest Heroes, she was a good friend to both Hulk and Bruce. Also, in the comics, there’s almost a running gag about her and margaritas. And I know in the comics, it was not intended to portray Hank as abusive, but they did, so I’m going to use it. I added the flashing part after the fact, because she was the only one able to distract the Hulk in the Ultimates, and that's how she did it.
> 
> Brunnhilde is Valkyrie, one of Thor’s friends. She has a long history of friendship with Hulk.
> 
> Eros is Starfox, an alien with love powers. He mostly uses them on women, but he has used his powers on men, and I think of him as a “anything that moves” kind of guy. (He also slept with She-Hulk, but he sleeps with everyone.) He was so hard to write, so I scrapped most of the date.
> 
> Doreen Green is Squirrel Girl. She did beat Doctor Doom in the comics, (it probably turned out to be a Doombot. It’s always a Doombot), all the other villains listed, and more.
> 
> Amadeus Cho is Mastermind Excello (one of the smartest people alive, though I’m not sure if he’s quite a smart as Bruce) and Hulk’s number one fan, and a teenager for a lot of the comics.
> 
> Mika the Swedish Underwear Model is She-Hulk’s first boyfriend in Dan Slott’s run of the She-Hulk comics. I needed a male model, and I thought Bruce wouldn’t want to date someone that used to bang his cousin. 
> 
> Patsy Walker is Hellcat. She’s a superhero and model, and her mom was a comic book writer, so I figured she might be a bit geeky. She’s also a friend of She-Hulk, and they hung out and Patsy got really drunk, so I threw that in. Hellcat sounds like a dominatrix name.
> 
> Simon Williams is Wonder Man. I made him more self-absorbed than he usually is (I think. I’ve never read anything with Wonder Man) for the sake of the story. 
> 
> Also, while I made up the first date, I sort of based her on Gwen Ross, aka Daydream, which is Betty’s daughter with Nightmare, the creepy villain. I don’t think it was consensual… I aged her up, gave her a fake last name, and gave her the same profession as Betty (in some canons). 
> 
> Papa Tony’s is from one of the Marvel bonus shorts. In the after credits for Incredible Hulk, Tony gets into an argument with Ross, and the short explains that Tony bought the bar, threw Ross out, and made it into an Italian restaurant called Papa Tony’s (they have excellent carbonara). 
> 
> Tony’s ringtone for Bruce is the theme from the 60s Hulk show.
> 
> The Paris Baguette is a real bakery, at that actual address, in the middle of Koreatown. It’s a French-style Korean bakery, originally from Korea. They are said to have great blueberry chiffon cakes. http://www.yelp.com/menu/paris-baguette-new-york-2/item/blueberry-chiffon
> 
> JARVIS was the one sending the notes.


End file.
